30 Before 30: Day 28 - Ambition and Summer Short Films

It took me a long time to realize how ambitious I was. As well as hard working, driven, and passionate.

Just not in everything.

In fact, if something isn't creative it's hard for me to keep an interest and all those traits I just mentioned tend to go out the window.

Math for instance. I ignore it as much as possible, do it when I need to, and turn anything math related into a story to garner interest for myself.

But when it comes to my creative pursuits, which I see as my livelihood, I throw in all those traits. That is why I've now shot 3 short films this year, all of them quite a bit different, but each one very much in my style of filmmaking. One is finished, one is nearing a rough cut, and the third just finished filming.

When I found out I'd be returning to Kansas for a week for my birthday my first thought wasn't anything like, "Awesome! A vacation from all this work!" No, my response was instantly, "A week in Kansas? I can make another movie!" And so I contacted my friend and we figured out a script within about a month, he did all the producing work, and yesterday I shot an entire short film in the middle of the Kansas woods on a hot summer day with a total of 4 actors (including me) as I directed, shot most of it, and had a rotating number of people for grip and sound recording.

In the end I'm pretty sure I got all the footage I needed.

Also, it was fantasy, which may be one of the most difficult things to do on a very low budget. Though, this one we wrote with that in mind. And what I like about filming in Kansas is I can get locations for free. In this case, it was a patch of woods that don't look they belong in Kansas but that's exactly where we were.

So in my ambition I continue to make films and they tend to be pretty intense. I tend to push things pretty hard in the films I make and there tends to be A LOT that is shot in a short period of time. I've learned how to do things on very little and it's worked to my advantage.

I'm just hoping this little short comes together in post. I have a feeling it will when I look back and see how well Winter's Spirit turned out.

So in the coming month look forward to 2 more short films: Red Roses Painted Black and Summer Sonata.

I hope you enjoy them as much as I've enjoyed making them. My stories aren't just for me. They're for you. Without an audience, my stories have no home.

30 Before 30: Day 25 - Castles

I've always loved castles. And fantasy. Lots of fantasy have castles. 

Very old castles. Ancient.

Last fall I finally got the opportunity to achieve one of my dreams... visit castles. After a very well planned trip, I went off to Ireland and Scotland for 2 weeks total. The first castle I saw; Trim Castle.

It turns out, this is actually where they filmed many scenes of Braveheart, even though the film takes place in Scotland.

I definitely would say that I was very fortunate to go on this trip. I saw SO many castles, among other things. But the castles for me were the fulfillment of a childhood dream. Especially growing up on Narnia and fairy tales, there was something about ancient castles, especially castle ruins, that have fascinated me. 

I remember when I was in elementary school building a model of a castle out of old cardboard and discarded tubes from toilet paper and paper towel. At least, that's my memory. For all I know that was actually a dream. But I'm pretty sure I did that. I just I loved castles. 

And there was just something in the history of those castles, something special, something unique that you just don't find quite anywhere else. While on the trip, when we got halfway through Scotland one of my friends said I would get tired of castles. 

I never got tired of castles.

I just found different castles more fascinating then others. But for me castles are very inspiring. It's one of my dream shooting locations and a location I use easily when I write fantasy. They are so rich with history. And there's something magical about them, at least to me.

My dream home is a castle. We can all dream. Sometimes it keeps us going.

30 Before 30: Day 24 - Dreams

I often have very strange and extremely vivid dreams. I also used to have a lot of deja vu. It's not quite as common now but it still happens. But my dream life has intensified.

Here's an example of a dream I had this year, unedited from when I wrote it down:

Dream Tuesday, April 19, 2016

It started out as a justice mission of some kind. We were in some kind of huge building. I had an M16 again for the first time since the military. First I was on a metal walkway a few floors up looking down on an open area. My comrades and I readied ourselves and the people in charge told me what I needed to do. When the people started coming I soon found myself on a shooting rampage. I moved throughout the compound. At one point an SUV was coming towards us when I was outside the building. I shot out the tires. Another point I shot a driver in the head of another vehicle from a distance. Another point I shot someone in the shoulder without killing them. A bunch of these things happened.

Then suddenly none of my comrades were around and I was still going on this shooting spree. Very soon I was a wanted man. I was on the run. I found myself in a building, which looked like Room 3 of the church I grew up in back home, and I was grabbing clothes, trying to avoid anyone noticing my presence. I packed up quickly, throwing things in a backpack, knowing I needed to get away quickly. Once I packed up, I started to sneak out.

a good bit of time had passed and I was walking down the street, avoiding the gaze of people, because I knew I couldn’t go to jail. It was a sunny day, spring it seemed. I passed a couple kids without looking at them.

Then it was years later and I was at a house. Next door was my old house and I needed to grab clothes from there. I walked across the lawn of the current house and a little girl sat on a swing, her long hair covering her face and flowing down to her knees, head bowed. As I passed her head came up and back, face slightly up toward the sky and her mouth opened wide in a circle, a horrific sight, and a terrible moaning sound escaped her mouth. I ran to the other house, crouching as if that would help me not be seen. I went in and rummaged through the clothes. Not feeling I really had time, I ended up just grabbing a bunch without thinking about what I was taking. When I went back to the first house the girl was still there and she did the same thing. I seemed to imitate her sound as a response, seemingly out of trying to diminish the fear. She continued her open mouthed unnatural moan and as I walked away I flipped her off with both hands. She seemed to laugh in a way. In the middle of all this I realized when I first saw the girl that she was the child of something that had happened earlier, some demented source of something wrong and I think I had something to do with the things creation.

30 Before 30: Day 23 - Friends Who Disagree

When I was younger, I had this thought in my head that anyone who I was friends with should think and believe similar things to me. I think this came out of the idea that people were trying to teach me that certain people will be good influences and others negative. Instead this lead to the believe that anyone who believed something different shouldn't be my friend.

I definitely don't think this anymore.

In fact, quite the opposite. It might partially be because I'm older, but a large number of the people in my life don't believe the same thing as me and also disagree with me on a number of things.

My blog post from yesterday is just one of those things (a touchy subject I remember calling it).

I appreciate these people. Some of them are my closest friends. It doesn't mean I just change what I believe but it does open a positive discourse. And I have to be careful to make sure "discourse" is what I intend and not "argument."

I dislike arguments and often debates, as they often turn into arguments. But discourse allows for all sides to speak their thoughts and learn from one another what they think. I think this is part of being human.

Having friends in our lives who don't agree with us enriches us if we can have civil conversation.

I cherish all the people in my life who I've developed a bond of friendship with. I have friends from all different walks of life and many of them believe very different things then me. That doesn't mean I can't be friends with them.

That's ridiculous.

But it also doesn't mean I have to agree with them. And that's alright.

But I should still love them.

There are some things I can learn from them and other things they can learn from me. We all can continue to learn as we grow older. I certainly have. I've learned a lot of things, especially in these last ten years, that have made a lot more sense then they did in my teens. I had no idea what I was doing then.

Also, we can't just negate the experiences of others just because we haven't had them. Sometimes it's difficult to understand what someone has gone through just because we haven't. Sometimes people have views on things because of this. And the older we get and the more people we meet, the more experiences we understand.

We're all made up of stories. A life is a number of stories that add up to a whole. We can never know all of the stories. There are too many. But the more time we invest in people, the more stories we hear, the more we understand about the people that surround us. No one single person has the same experiences throughout an entire lifetime but there are things we share. And it's in those things we share, those commonalities, that bonds of friendship are formed.

Now, I leave you with some quotes on friendship:

“However rare true love may be, it is less so than true friendship.” 
― Albert Einstein

"Wishing to be friends is quick work, but friendship is a slow ripening fruit." – Aristotle

"To the Ancients, Friendship seemed the happiest and most fully human of all loves; the crown of life and the school of virtue. The modern world, in comparison, ignores it. . . . Affections and Eros were too obviously connected with our nerves, too obviously shared with the brutes. You could feel these tugging at your guts and fluttering your diaphragm. But in Friendship- in that luminous, tranquil, rational world of relationships freely chosen - you got away from all that."
-C.S. Lewis "The Four Loves"

“The glory of friendship is not the outstretched hand, not the kindly smile, nor the joy of companionship; it is the spiritual inspiration that comes to one when you discover that someone else believes in you and is willing to trust you with a friendship.” 
― Ralph Waldo Emerson

“Courage. Kindness. Friendship. Character. These are the qualities that define us as human beings, and propel us, on occasion, to greatness.” 
― R.J. Palacio, Wonder

“One of the tasks of true friendship is to listen compassionately and creatively to the hidden silences. Often secrets are not revealed in words, they lie concealed in the silence between the words or in the depth of what is unsayable between two people.” 
― John O'Donohue, Anam Cara: A Book of Celtic Wisdom

30 Before 30: Day 22 - Red Roses Painted Black

Creating any film on a touchy subject isn't easy. That's one thing I discovered while producing Red Roses Painted Black.

This little short film, which should be released later this year, is all about a guy who's fighting a porn addiction. This is probably my most courageous and important film I've ever done, both as a actor and director. There are films a director feels they want to make and then there are the ones they feel they need to.

This is that story.

The short follows a character named Tom right at the point when he's decided he needs to make a change and seeks out therapy. We then see how his addiction is affecting his life between his therapist, best friend, and new girlfriend.

Now, this was a difficult short for me to get to making because of how personal it is for me. Of course, sometimes those make the best stories. They also make the most terrifying stories because now you're pouring yourself out to the world.

This post alone is very revealing and difficult to write but I've found that the things we hold secret often hold power over us. You may ask, why do I care so much about this topic? Short answer, because I've lived it. I've had a lot of friends who say to me, "No, you're not addicted to porn." No, not so much addicted anymore but I certainly used to be.

When it all started in junior high, I missed meeting, private musical lessons, isolated myself from people, and didn't seek out healthy relationships. I worked hard to look at women as human but more often than not I saw them as objects.

Yes, there was always part of me that could still see a human side, but at the same time I was scared; scared they would find out who I was, scared that I wasn't worth anything if they did, and scared of any and all rejection from anyone knowing about this dirty little secret.

And yes, my family knows about this and has for years. In various ways they found out. I'm sure at times one of us did not handle the situation with the correct response but the love still continues.

And that's the thing about porn. It kills love. One of my favorite organizations is "Fight the New Drug" (fightthenewdrug.org).

Their slogan is "Porn Kills Love."

Part of what I love about this organization is that it has no affiliation. Why do I think that's important? Because they can take an approach to the harmful effects of porn that reaches out to everyone, no matter what they believe. Scientific studies have shown how porn alters brain chemistry and therefore affects how a person approaches society and relationships.

Fight the New Drug posts articles from porn addicts, significant others, family members, and porn stars who share their stories of the damage that porn has done in their lives. It's a lucrative business that pays a lot of money... and destroys natural relationships.

People are meant to love and be loved. There is nothing in porn that showcases love. It causes people to see others at objects instead of human. You wonder why in a porn saturated society people say men only think of sex? Well, I can tell you that porn is not helping. Truth is, we all have more going on in our brains then just sex, even if there is a biological drive there.

I didn't really understand what healthy relationships were growing up. I think I learned a lot of things on my own... a lot of things that were wrong. Over the years, through some intense romantic relationships, some of which I was trying to find a way out of a porn addiction, I very slowly started to understand what a healthy relationship meant.

There is nothing about porn that really makes you feel "good" other than the quick sexual release. Outside of the that, it's a tornado of negative emotions and thoughts. You start thinking you're not good enough, you're a horrible person, there's something wrong with you.

It's Shame.

It controls life and brings you down. See, love is a natural human response. We're made to love. We may have different ways of loving but we still all need love. It took me a long time to actually convince myself that I wasn't worthless. How long? Most of my 20's.

I spent a lot of my life bringing myself down. Even when I made friends, I'd still bring myself down. If something didn't go my way, I'd tell myself people didn't like me. When my girlfriend wasn't loving on me, I'd tell myself everything is wrong. I put my self-worth in everybody around me and then when I didn't feel like I found it, I turned to porn. It was always there, waiting to tell me that I was accepted.

But I wasn't really accepted. It was all a front. It was fake. A false intimacy.

There was nothing real about it. I was never really fulfilled by it. It was like being led on, dragged deeper into a hole I could never get out of. I was in such despair in my teenage years that I shed more tears than I care to admit, wishing it would just go away, not realizing that I had to do something about it.

I would need to reprogram my brain. I had to tell myself I was worth it. I had to find my confidence. I especially had to stop telling myself that if anything happened I was a terrible person. No one else could do it for me. And it doesn't happen over night.

It's still a good thing to get affirmation from others but we also have to take control of ourselves. Really, porn is a crutch and it doesn't create a healthy outlook on life or sexuality. If you don't take my word for it, just check out some of the testimonies at Fight the New Drug. Trust me, their powerful.

That's just a start to why I made a move about porn addiction. It's a passionate topic to me. It's important. A lot of people think it's harmless. Studies and testimonies prove otherwise.

This can't be taken lightly. And there needs to be love.

30 Before 30: Day 18 - Remarks on Porn (Slam Poetry)

Living in a world of media saturated society where the webs of porn create dichotomy. A growing business destroying lives where on the outside the populous believes the ever growing lies.

Will we, do we, should we, could we look at porn? Is it fine to bring these fantasies into the bedroom? Or will we be left torn?

They say they love their lives and put on a sneaking façade only to please the boys behind the curtain smoking their rod. Bitter, alone, and inwardly rotten, none of them want to change until they hit rock bottom.

What is this world we live in today? Where boys grow up in the porn culture and decay? Nothing is left to be able to connect and love. Instead we objectify and view women as conquests.

Unable to find intimacy we settle for control and consistency. Real relationships are unimportant when we can have what we want instantly. It’s a dismal world of dark distractions, the dirty little secret we keep for instant interaction.

We live with masks, the ultimate masquerade, parading around while ignoring the past. But the future knows full well the pain we will cause, only waiting to put the future on pause.

Once the bottom is reached we will see where we are, lost souls in the dark reaching out so far. Until we accept we are broken we cannot accept the loss we have taken. We must learn to be healthy again, changing how life and sex should be viewed.

Let’s take a chance and fight to view people as people instead of promoting lust as the modern steeple. We need to fill the hunger for broken love instead starving people for human connection. There is an epidemic of epic proportions we cannot ignore anymore unless we suffer from complete societal distortion.

This whole mess is underplayed and it’s time to take the power away. Open honesty and love is required to tackle this demon and rediscover relational intimacy.

30 Before 30: Day 16 - Marketing of Love

LOVE

Ah, yes, the thing that makes the world go round. "All you need is love." But what is love?

Let's look at a definition -

According to Google:
1. an intense feeling of deep affection (noun).
2. a deep romantic or sexual attraction to someone (noun).

1. feel a deep romantic or sexual attraction to (someone) (verb).

2. like very much, find pleasure in (verb).

Merriam-Webster:
1a. strong affection for another arising out of kinship or personal ties

1b. attraction based on sexual desire

1c. affection based on admiration, benevolence, or common interests

2. arm attachment, enthusiasm, or devotion

3. the object of attachment, devotion, or admiration

4. unselfish loyal and benevolent concern for the good of another

Now, the Greeks had 6 different words for love:

Eros or sexual passion

Philia or deep friendship

Ludus or playful love

Agape or selfless love, a love for everyone

Pragma or longstanding love

Philautia or self-love

Now, let's add one more thing interesting about love that came out of a book written by Gary Chapman that has a certain amount of weight in it's concept: The 5 Love Languages.

He says that there are 5 different types of love languages:

1. Gifts

2. Quality Time

3. Words of Affirmation

4. Acts of Service

5. Physical Touch

At one time or another I have received all 5 of these from people, especially my family, and everybody has their own mix of these of what makes them feel loved (I have recently realized how important physical touch is in my life, depending on the people of course).

So what's the point of all this, why did I just give you a bunch of information on the ideas of love?

Well, it's because I'm highly dissatisfied with the way that love has been marketed. I'm sure that if you watch most media you'll notice that love is almost always sold as romantic. 

The problem: this starts to give across the idea that romantic love is the only kind of love.

There is nothing wrong with romance. I myself am a romantic at heart but if the only kind of love is romantic then the only purpose of me talking to any woman on the planet should be to try and start a romantic relationship with her... and where does that leave my mom and sister?

Yeah, exactly. 

It doesn't make sense. Now, there is media that dives into the other side of love but it's not as common and even less commonly promoted. Take Valentine's Day for example. It's a day that celebrates love... but it's become a day that celebrates romantic love. There is no reason it shouldn't be a day to celebrate the love of family and friends.

We all need love. And not just romantic love.

It's fine to seek out romance but that doesn't mean you can't be friends with that person if a romance would not work out. It doesn't necessarily mean you'll be friends if you continue to be attracted in a romantic way, as that usually doesn't work out well, but throwing away a relationship where you have a mutual interest just because there is nothing romantic could be harmful. Even then it takes some discerning as there is always a line and unfortunately today with a highly sexualized media culture and underlying rape culture it is getting infused in the subconscious of men that women are objects, not people.

Relationship. There's another word that always get the wrong meaning. Today it always means romantic. But why can't you have a relationship that's a friend, a family member, an acquaintance. There are different types of relationships.

I guess what I'm trying to say, is we need to re-approach the way we look at love. 

We need to understand what makes us more than just biological creatures. We need to understand that love is about all people, not just one person.

Yes, there is love and it is also found with friends and family.