30 Before 30: Day 30 - A New Decade Begins

I would be lying if I said that my life hasn't been interesting, especially the past decade. I would also say that my 20's have been the most interesting, frustrating, challenging, life-changing, adventurous, and revealing time of my life so far. That's why in this series of blog posts I've focused on that time period.

I've had enough experiences in the past decade to write multiple books and who knows how many screenplays that I could make into movies.

Some of those experiences I have put into movies.

But now I'm 30! The "Dirty Thirty" as some people call it. The big 3-0. A new decade to learn even more craziness about life.

Looking back now on the past decade, here's a number of exciting accomplishments:

1. I graduated college with a Bachelor's in Communication Arts.
2. I survived the Army after 3 1/2 grueling years (and made some pretty awesome friends).
3. I made a feature film (written, directed, shot, edited, and sound design done while I was in the Army in Hawaii).
4. I made several short films, multiple which have been in film festivals, a couple which have won awards.
5. I've lived in Chicago, Hawaii, and Los Angeles since leaving Kansas.
6. I was able to visit Ireland and Scotland.
7. I completed a 2-year acting Conservatory.
8. I worked with Bradley Cooper and Cameron Crowe on "Aloha."
9. I finally learned how to talk to network and have met lots of really cool people!

Now for a few things that have been difficult:

1. I've learned the very hard way what it means to have a healthy relationship.
2. I've questioned just about everything I grew up with in order to understand what it is that I believe and who I am rather than just following what I was brought up on.
3. I went into a ton of debt because of my initial time in college.
4. I spent 3 years living in a room with no window, sometimes working a swing shift in a building with no windows.
5. I've messed up at most of the jobs I've had more times than I can count at least once, so horribly that I've felt really bad about it.

Well, that's what I'm remembering right now. But I guess I'm old now, right? So it's okay.

Nah. I'm just starting. I have a lot of friends right now turning 30 this year. Most of them seem to be a bit terrified of moving into that next decade. Me? I feel like I'm just getting started. I'm actually quite excited about the next decade!

One of my favorite authors, C.S. Lewis, didn't actually publish the vast majority of his works until after his mid-thirties. Most famous directors we know didn't get their major starts until their 30's.

On top of this, people tell me I only look 24 or 25 so I'm well on my way to being in a good position as an actor as well since I look younger then I am.

And here's the biggest thing I've finally found: confidence.

I used to have none. I had no self-confidence. Because of this I really had no outward confidence. It's still always a bit of a work in progress but it's gotten better. It also helps to not care as much what other people think about you.

I won't go into on this blog because I think I could write a whole book on it (which I just might someday) but there are a lot of things from my formative years growing up that I feel didn't help me as I got older and instead hindered me in certain things.

That's also why I believe we need different people in our lives to help us along and guide us because no one person can do it properly. We're just all too imperfect and different. Sometimes the things that a person needs can't be received from a single person so another person comes into to help out.

I believe God created us to be interactive and communal beings. Whether or not you believe in God or no higher power, some other form of believe, I still think, just from the nature of seeing humans, that we all in some form desire love.

So, my friends, in the end of this blog series, I want you to know you can all be accepted without judgement by at least one person in this life, even though there will always be people who judge us no matter what we do.

And in the words of the wonderful and talented Doug Jones: "There's love."

30 Before 30: Day 24 - Dreams

I often have very strange and extremely vivid dreams. I also used to have a lot of deja vu. It's not quite as common now but it still happens. But my dream life has intensified.

Here's an example of a dream I had this year, unedited from when I wrote it down:

Dream Tuesday, April 19, 2016

It started out as a justice mission of some kind. We were in some kind of huge building. I had an M16 again for the first time since the military. First I was on a metal walkway a few floors up looking down on an open area. My comrades and I readied ourselves and the people in charge told me what I needed to do. When the people started coming I soon found myself on a shooting rampage. I moved throughout the compound. At one point an SUV was coming towards us when I was outside the building. I shot out the tires. Another point I shot a driver in the head of another vehicle from a distance. Another point I shot someone in the shoulder without killing them. A bunch of these things happened.

Then suddenly none of my comrades were around and I was still going on this shooting spree. Very soon I was a wanted man. I was on the run. I found myself in a building, which looked like Room 3 of the church I grew up in back home, and I was grabbing clothes, trying to avoid anyone noticing my presence. I packed up quickly, throwing things in a backpack, knowing I needed to get away quickly. Once I packed up, I started to sneak out.

a good bit of time had passed and I was walking down the street, avoiding the gaze of people, because I knew I couldn’t go to jail. It was a sunny day, spring it seemed. I passed a couple kids without looking at them.

Then it was years later and I was at a house. Next door was my old house and I needed to grab clothes from there. I walked across the lawn of the current house and a little girl sat on a swing, her long hair covering her face and flowing down to her knees, head bowed. As I passed her head came up and back, face slightly up toward the sky and her mouth opened wide in a circle, a horrific sight, and a terrible moaning sound escaped her mouth. I ran to the other house, crouching as if that would help me not be seen. I went in and rummaged through the clothes. Not feeling I really had time, I ended up just grabbing a bunch without thinking about what I was taking. When I went back to the first house the girl was still there and she did the same thing. I seemed to imitate her sound as a response, seemingly out of trying to diminish the fear. She continued her open mouthed unnatural moan and as I walked away I flipped her off with both hands. She seemed to laugh in a way. In the middle of all this I realized when I first saw the girl that she was the child of something that had happened earlier, some demented source of something wrong and I think I had something to do with the things creation.

30 Before 30: Day 9 - Desperation Doesn't Work

In 2005 when I first arrived at college I was going through a multitude of new things. I had never lived away from home before, started from complete scratch, kissed a girl, had a girlfriend, figured out everything on my own, etc. And being a hopeless romantic and little bit out of touch with reality, I found that whenever I would see friends hooking up with other people early on I would be a bit jealous and envious because what they had I wanted. Granted, in talking to my roommate at that time,

he informed me that being in a relationship wasn't always what it looked like and that I should be patient. Of course, I wasn't exactly patient but looking back, the truth is that I was desperate to be in a relationship and to find a woman.

There were two major problems with how I felt at the time.

1. I was desperate and that's a key to disaster.

2. I didn't understand what a healthy relationship involved. And when that is not understood then a relationship can go south quickly.

In those years I was a hopeless romantic. I would still say I'm a romantic just not with the hopeless portion. I only spent about 2 or so months of the beginning of my time at college single and when a connection did form with the first girl I dated, I was still too scared to actually asked her out. Instead, we mutually agreed to date (after what looking back on it feel like some ridiculous hurdles).

But, alas, I found myself in what would be to date the longest relationship I've had that turned into a 6 month "puppy" phase and a year and a half of essentially marriage without being married. When it ended, after having had many discussions with a college pastor at the time about different things in that relationship he said to me, "You've learned in two years more than most people learn in seven years of marriage."

Yikes!

Well, at least I know I learned a lot from it. At least, I hope I learned a lot that I retained.

Since I don't have any readily available pictures from that relationship (rightfully so) I have instead provided what is perhaps the earliest picture taken from my time in college.

What I have learned, though, are a couple valuable lessons for my self over time when it comes to me and meeting women.

1. It's not just about physical appearance but even more so about their personality.
2. I can tell easier nowadays if there is a definite chemistry with someone (for the most part, sometimes I still fail).
3. Sometimes that person is the person you least expect.
4. Things often don't work out for one reason or another.
5. That person you connect with often appears at the most unexpected place or time and usually when you're not looking and especially when your not desperate.
6. Confidence in yourself really helps.

That's at least what I've found. Maybe it's not all exactly right but that's what I've found to be true.

Now, if you haven't heard it, go look up "Haven't Met You Yet" by Michael Buble.

I love that song.

And I think it applies.

30 Before 30 - Day 1: LAFSC

To all you wonderful readers,

I hope you can get something out of these ramblings... as I hope that I can as well.

I wish I could say I came up with this idea myself but truth be told, I borrowed it. The idea is I'll be attempting to write everyday for the next 30 days leading up to the day I turn 30 (which should be the day of the final post), my aim being to recount my 20's as I head into the next decade. I took this idea from Chris Krebsbach, who I met back in 2009 while doing a semester at the Los Angeles Film Studies Center. She recently did a 40 before 40 listing of blog posts and that is what gave me the idea. If you want, check out her blog at the link below, and in honor of where the inspiration came from, my first post shall be about LAFSC.

https://chriskrebsbach.wordpress.com/category/40-before-40/

2009 was the year I graduated... a semester longer than it should have taken. Sometimes you just have to learn those lessons. Had I not failed some of those science classes (you might want to know science and math were never my forte) I would have graduated immediately following my semester in Los Angeles. But in January 2009, I ended up in my ultimate destination for what I felt was going to be the time in my life I would make it big. I was 22, naive, and a bit more lacking in life experience than I ever could have realized. I should probably also add that I was quite lacking on the side of confidence.


But the Los Angeles Film Studies Center and my short 6 months in Los Angeles would quickly change all of that. Between my internship at Mandate Pictures, 2 of my own short film projects, another project I fell from producer to production assistant on, and continually crushing on girls (oh, college), I certainly starting seeing life (and the film industry) in a different light. Let's start with the bad shall we?

 One of the projects I was required to be on I ended up as a producer. Having been given an option to write down our top choices for roles I thought, "Hey, lots of directors produce! I should get the experience!" But as soon as I was thrown on the project... it down spiraled fast. First, I still believe on a small short film project, it's difficult to find enough jobs for 3 producers. I felt the limit should be 2. This still gives me no excuse for my shortcomings. In the process of all this, my focus drifted to my own two short films for the semester and when the time came to be on set for this short film, what did I do? I sat on set reading "Watchmen." You read that correctly. I failed miserably, hardly did anything to help as a producer, and read on set instead of assisting in any possible way I could. I learned that lesson quick when I was demoted to production assistant.

Here's the short story on that one. I failed. And then I learned how to produce, or at least somewhat.

So, now for the good times. Mandate Pictures ("Juno"), where I interned, was a trove of behind the scenes information inside a production company. On the last week the executives and assistants even had a special meeting with the interns where they could ask them any questions. Not only did I see inside the process from development all the way to post, I got a wealth of opportunities to read current scripts circulating through the system! At the same time, the internship was going nowhere and I didn't try very hard and therefore I don't think I was terribly "successful" in that venture either.

Through that semester came two short films, one of which was very confusing story wise because of my lack of experience and short amount of time. The second, which I am very proud of, is called "Beyond The Mirror." (https://vimeo.com/113059154) This little short started what I use as my current "production company" (it's not currently registered...) called Whimsical Pictures on all my projects now. In this time I found what encapsulates the way I think and the kind of stories I generally love to tell. Every project since has been listed under Whimsical Pictures, including on IMDB.

And crushing on girls. Well, that was college. Hmmm... I guess that's actually just guys, except my mentality has changed over time. I'm not overly self conscious like I used to be or extremely nervous around women that I like. Yeah, that was college. I had A LOT of growing to do. And over time I did just that. Somewhere along the way I found my confidence (mostly).

I think that was in the past year.

But Los Angeles helped to start understanding what it means to be a real filmmaker who wants to work in the interesting. And I failed... a lot. After that, do you know what I did? I got back up again because that's what you have to do to be successful. Never give up. And that's what I've done. Not even the Army stopped me.

But that's for a later post.