30 Before 30: Day 6 - Training as an Actor

Finishing at Strasberg this week was prove of a incredible transformation of me as an actor. But I didn't start out there. When I was in Junior High and High School I would make movies with friends and on my own and act in them. Honestly, in those days I was terrible. I enjoyed being in front of the camera but I had no idea what I was doing. That's probably a big part of why I don't show many people my early work.

I wanted to get into theatre in High School but every year after my first semester doing Marching Band and Soccer I would decide I didn't want to take up all that extra time the second semester. So I never got involved.
Then I entered my time doing an undergraduate degree at Trinity Christian College and my first semester, my roommate (who had done theatre) one day told me they are always short on men and that I should audition.

So I did.

And I didn't get cast.

"That's alright," I told myself. "I'll help out behind the scenes." And so I helped out on stage crew. The next semester they were doing a production of "The Miser" by Moliere. Of course I still wanted to act but ... certain things didn't allow for me to audition or to do much behind the scenes.

So then came my Sophomore year. The main production only had 5 characters but they started up doing student directed One-Act plays so I decided I would still audition. However, I gave myself an acting out.

"If I don't get cast in anything, I guess I shouldn't be an actor," I told myself.

And I got cast in a smaller role of a guard in a One-Act play called "The Valiant." Most of what I did was walk in, react, and say "Yes, ma'am" in various ways. But I was determined to own it and that is when my real training began.

The next semester I continued to audition and I was in my first full length stage play, playing the role of Mr. DePinna in "You Can't Take It With You." During this role I realized how seriously I wanted to be an actor. In the end, I decided it would make more sense to completely shave my head for the part rather than wearing a bald cap (my roommate Pete Turner helped convince me in this decision in the end by shaving his head as well.) And as you can see, I was basically half naked for a scene in the production. I went on to play Antigonus in Shakespeare's "The Winter's Tale," Nicola in "Arms and the Man," and Warnock Waldgrave in "The Nerd." I feel I can really attribute a lot of my early growth and training to John Sebestyen, who still teaches at Trinity, and really helped me gain a lot of initial knowledge.

My training continued in on camera classes in Hawaii and has truly made strides at Strasberg. One of the big things I have learned is that actors need to continue training in one way or another, otherwise they get rusty in their craft and an actor needs to be on his game for when the right role comes along. I wouldn't be the same actor today without the training that I've had.

Oh, and confidence. Actors should really work on their confidence if they don't have it.

30 Before 30: Day 5 - Looking Back on Strasberg

The past two years, which has basically been the entire time I've been back in Los Angeles, my time studying at The Lee Strasberg Theatre & Film Institute has been nothing less than an adventure. It was really only because of my Army service I was able to attend the institute and my time there has changed me in more ways then one. As I rocket towards that dirty thirty I must say that near the end of my 20's my time there has been a bit of a rock and foundation in my life as I wade through the insanity of this city.

There has been a lot of drama, both inside and outside of scene work, and I have made many friends who have come and gone from the school, many of whom have returned to their native countries for one reason or another. And as it usually goes, I try to keep up with some of them but find it becomes incredibly difficult. At this school people come and go, something that I've gotten quite used to in my 20's. I still don't like saying goodbye, though, so instead it's always something like "Until next time" or "I'll see you again." Maybe I won't. But hopefully I will... unless I don't really like you. I only have so much energy to give away.

I've gone an emotional journey at the school and it started rocky. The first semester had an extremely unfortunate incident occur that shook up the entire school and certainly didn't help with my already severe depression as I transitioned out of the Army and into this city. Though I was able to learn and understand overtime how I operated and how my emotions have affected me over time and what causes many things. A lot of this is due to the sensory work that is part of the core work of Strasberg. That and relaxation exercises, which were important for my tense body.

But more than anything I found something that I haven't had most of my life: self-confidence.

This has led to friendships I wouldn't have otherwise because I learned to speak up and care less about what other people thought about me. Taking this long to find it, though, it seems at times has made it take longer to find out I connect with certain people. People that I would want around longer but may be leaving sooner. When you find those people you connect so deeply with it's hard to let go and even harder to say goodbye.

So here I am today, after my last day at Strasberg. I didn't think I would be sad but a part of me is. Mostly because I realize how big of an impact this school has had on my life and who I am as an actor. The teachers and many students there have helped me to grow as I continue to discover who I am.

But life continues to move forward. Others will come and go. I will meet knew people and continue to meet with ones I knew. The forward momentum doesn't cease to exist because I have finished. This is just the start of another adventure and my good friends know how much I like a good adventure.

But today this is for all of you who I've made friends with at Strasberg, whether you're still in Los Angeles or not. I've created memories with many of you and am grateful for those friends who have come into my life.

Remember, you are loved and you are not alone.

Enjoy your adventures while you have them.

30 Before 30: Day 4 - Catching up on TV

It seems I have missed Day 3. I suppose these things happen, especially when other elements of life take over. And it seems the reason I forgot yesterday is the reason I'm writing about today: catching up on TV shows. This post will be quite brief today, I think.

In this instance it happens to be Penny Dreadful.

This show just ended this season and I just picked it up. I'm nearly at the end of season 2 and I find it quite fascinating. There are far too many shows out there to keep up with but this Penny Dreadful is interesting in it's combination of classic literature and horror elements. For those who abhor nudity, this is a show to avoid. But it's writing is intriguing and the stories fascinating. The use of mythology is also quite intriguing.

There are so many shows I still have to catch up on and I've realized in my late 20's that I have to prioritize what I watch and that there are certain genres I prefer and should keep up with before others.

But in time, I will catch up with the others.

In the mean time, I'm sure in the next couple weeks I will finish Penny Dreadful and I do recommend it.

30 Before 30 - Day 2: Enlisting

What better way to continue than to reflect on the day that changed my 20's (and my life) forever.

The day I enlisted in the U.S. Army. The left - the day I came back for Christmas after three weeks of initial training only to return two weeks later.

When I was in high school there was something fascinating to me about the military - but I didn't want to be in it. Ever. In fact, I said I would escape to Canada before I ever joined. This was in 2005. Fast forward to 2010. I hadn't found work in Los Angeles, went back to Chicago for a final semester to complete my degree, couldn't find work there, and moved back to Kansas at the end of 2009 where I then continued working part time at a minimum wage job at a movie theater, living back in my old room in my parent's basement in my mid-twenties.

Even though I had an absurd amount of student debt (thanks student loans!) I first thought I should apply to a graduate program in my hometown. In the midst of this process (which was ridiculous and I wasted time taking the GRE) I was approached by a friend who was planning on joining the U.S. Army. Well, it was more like I approached him. One day Paul McPheeters was talking about the ASVAB (the Armed Services Vocational Aptitude Battery), the initial standardized test the military uses to gauge different areas of competency for jobs. Having no idea what this was and being curious, I started asking questions. After a small chunk of time he said to me, "You seem to be pretty interested in this. Maybe you should come into the recruiting office with me."

So living in the basement of my parent's home with a part time minimum wage job, I agreed without a second thought.

Within the week I was walking into the decision that would change everything. I sat down and they had me take the practice ASVAB. With that underway, I decided I should pursue this further and they scheduled me to take the real ASVAB. I hated it just like all standardized style tests but I was excited about future possibilities and this was an open door. And one that I really didn't fully understand.

Initially, having a college degree, I attempted to go in as an officer. It went better than I thought at the first board but I had never been more nervous in my life. They still saw something in me they felt was leadership material and sent the papers up. The problem was at this time they had set up a second board, one that only gauged off of paperwork. This was the real problem. And that is where it didn't go through. 

I was stuck in Kansas and I knew I didn't want to stay. I was meant for bigger things. I could wait six months and try again or I could enlist. I was stubborn and impatient. So I enlisted, thankfully as a higher rank still (E-4/Specialist) thanks to my college degree and went went in the direction of military intelligence (35S-Signals Collector/Analyst) and signed an 8 year contract (3 1/2 years active duty) and garnered a Top Secret Security Clearance (yes I can keep secrets well). But I did have to give up the possibility of any other citizenship. The U.S. doesn't want other countries having their secrets used against them, after all. Nothing would ever be the same.

Five months later (November 2010) I would ship out to basic training. That was the worst and most important experience of my life so far. And then I would hate my life for three years in a solitary confinement cell with no window (the barracks) for three years in Hawaii. But on the bright side, at least I got to see things like this cool little fantastical creature.

I still found a way to have adventures!

30 Before 30 - Day 1: LAFSC

To all you wonderful readers,

I hope you can get something out of these ramblings... as I hope that I can as well.

I wish I could say I came up with this idea myself but truth be told, I borrowed it. The idea is I'll be attempting to write everyday for the next 30 days leading up to the day I turn 30 (which should be the day of the final post), my aim being to recount my 20's as I head into the next decade. I took this idea from Chris Krebsbach, who I met back in 2009 while doing a semester at the Los Angeles Film Studies Center. She recently did a 40 before 40 listing of blog posts and that is what gave me the idea. If you want, check out her blog at the link below, and in honor of where the inspiration came from, my first post shall be about LAFSC.

https://chriskrebsbach.wordpress.com/category/40-before-40/

2009 was the year I graduated... a semester longer than it should have taken. Sometimes you just have to learn those lessons. Had I not failed some of those science classes (you might want to know science and math were never my forte) I would have graduated immediately following my semester in Los Angeles. But in January 2009, I ended up in my ultimate destination for what I felt was going to be the time in my life I would make it big. I was 22, naive, and a bit more lacking in life experience than I ever could have realized. I should probably also add that I was quite lacking on the side of confidence.


But the Los Angeles Film Studies Center and my short 6 months in Los Angeles would quickly change all of that. Between my internship at Mandate Pictures, 2 of my own short film projects, another project I fell from producer to production assistant on, and continually crushing on girls (oh, college), I certainly starting seeing life (and the film industry) in a different light. Let's start with the bad shall we?

 One of the projects I was required to be on I ended up as a producer. Having been given an option to write down our top choices for roles I thought, "Hey, lots of directors produce! I should get the experience!" But as soon as I was thrown on the project... it down spiraled fast. First, I still believe on a small short film project, it's difficult to find enough jobs for 3 producers. I felt the limit should be 2. This still gives me no excuse for my shortcomings. In the process of all this, my focus drifted to my own two short films for the semester and when the time came to be on set for this short film, what did I do? I sat on set reading "Watchmen." You read that correctly. I failed miserably, hardly did anything to help as a producer, and read on set instead of assisting in any possible way I could. I learned that lesson quick when I was demoted to production assistant.

Here's the short story on that one. I failed. And then I learned how to produce, or at least somewhat.

So, now for the good times. Mandate Pictures ("Juno"), where I interned, was a trove of behind the scenes information inside a production company. On the last week the executives and assistants even had a special meeting with the interns where they could ask them any questions. Not only did I see inside the process from development all the way to post, I got a wealth of opportunities to read current scripts circulating through the system! At the same time, the internship was going nowhere and I didn't try very hard and therefore I don't think I was terribly "successful" in that venture either.

Through that semester came two short films, one of which was very confusing story wise because of my lack of experience and short amount of time. The second, which I am very proud of, is called "Beyond The Mirror." (https://vimeo.com/113059154) This little short started what I use as my current "production company" (it's not currently registered...) called Whimsical Pictures on all my projects now. In this time I found what encapsulates the way I think and the kind of stories I generally love to tell. Every project since has been listed under Whimsical Pictures, including on IMDB.

And crushing on girls. Well, that was college. Hmmm... I guess that's actually just guys, except my mentality has changed over time. I'm not overly self conscious like I used to be or extremely nervous around women that I like. Yeah, that was college. I had A LOT of growing to do. And over time I did just that. Somewhere along the way I found my confidence (mostly).

I think that was in the past year.

But Los Angeles helped to start understanding what it means to be a real filmmaker who wants to work in the interesting. And I failed... a lot. After that, do you know what I did? I got back up again because that's what you have to do to be successful. Never give up. And that's what I've done. Not even the Army stopped me.

But that's for a later post.

The Girl With No Name

Two in the morning. The night sky blotted out the silver stars. One by one they vanished. A few hours earlier they threatened to take over. Now imprisoned, the only light came from the luminosity of the moon. I had come out to be alone. Most often I was social but recently the hoards of people overwhelmed me. I needed space, which I had failed to receive for such a long time. So now I overlooked the city. Nature swayed around me and the nightlife hummed in the distance.

It felt good to let the night breeze dance around my face and caress my skin. The moon’s light brought comfort to my soul. For a time the world stopped spinning through my head. I closed my eyes. Lights flashed. The club and bar scenes waded in my memories. They sped up. Lights danced beneath my eyelids.

I stood still then, finding myself on a club’s second floor. I leaned over the railing wondering why I had come. A rave roared on the floor beneath me. It was a clashing of sweat and high-pitched neon lights scouring the floor and bodies dancing much too close. Someone walked up and leaned over the railing next to me. She was slim, average height, with blonde hair; eyes green.
She cocked her head slightly and attempted to look me in the eye. I didn’t want to be rude but I wasn’t in conversational mood. I didn’t return her gaze.

“Hey,” she said. “I’m Megan.”

I watched her from the corner of my eye as she spoke to me. She was what you could consider as hot in a general sense. I didn’t care. I had my share of hot girls and I was tired. I found myself needing better standards. A few months ago I started looking at a woman’s personality before her body. For some reason I continued to come to an old pick up. I didn’t understand why I did. Now I stood beside another girl like all the rest.

“Want to get a drink or something?” she asked me.

So maybe she wasn’t quite like the rest. Most of them let the guy ask. She was aggressive. I finally turned and looked at her with weary eyes.

“Sorry. I’m not interested. Anyways, I’m an old school kind of guy.”

She attempted to continue but I refuted again, reinforcing my point that I ask a girl; I don’t let them ask me. She stalked off. I didn’t care.

The scouring lights crossed my vision, leading me into other memories.

I walked outside and passed by a dark alley. I almost thought I heard a faint scream but I kept on walking. I should have checked it out. I regretted that decision. At the time I couldn’t care less. I felt alone in the midst of a crowd. I had only just left from catching up with a couple friends. It was what I did most every night.

I paused and stared up at the street lamp. The bright bulb flared. It died down and I looked up at an extravagant ceiling. The lights dimmed. A chandelier hung from the hall. I was in a large house, not quite a mansion. I had been invited to the party and knew a good many of the people attending. I had arrived two hours ago and now held a near empty glass of wine in my hand. I don’t know why I drank it. I hate wine.

The gold and yellow tapestries reflected light onto the guests and they sipped their drinks in sparkling glasses and made small talk with one another. The words that came from their mouths muddled together in a clamor that reverberated to the ceiling. On occasion I would be greeted in passing. Beyond that I attempted to appear invisible. Day after day of these parties exhausted me. I no longer had time to think for myself. I was becoming an emotionless humanoid.
A young waiter passed by, hired for the look of the party, and I gently replaced my near empty glass on his tray. I thanked the host for his hospitality and escaped from the mingling crowd. I avoided eye contact with the few guests who had spilled out into the courtyard and entered my car. I sighed.

The engine rattled as I drove off into the night. I had no destination, only a desire. I needed time alone. I silence the radio, finding peace with my God. It felt so long since I had felt the calm. I needed to get away from the roar of everyday life. I drove to outskirts of the city.
I breathed in the air as the memories flooded my mind. It wasn’t quite fresh but much cleaner than within the city. Grass swayed nearby in harmony to the breeze. Newly sprung flowers reached my nose as I welcomed the scents of this magnificent earth. I was finally alone and had been for two hours. I had time to give my full attention to my God and his creation. I felt good again as the balance between community and self began to reform a healthy relationship.
I opened my eyes. The stars returned, blinking in the sky. It was a magnificent sight. The moon took pride in its constellation cohorts.
I looked to my left.

Time stopped. My world had been invaded. I would have been angry, perhaps frustrated, but I found myself enthralled. I had heard no sound, felt no movement, and smelled nothing foreign. Beside me she stared off into the sky. Her head never turned. Her golden brown hair flowed in the wind, shimmering silver. A light blue scarf paralleled the actions of her magnificent hair. Her eyes seemed to flow from hazel to green. She wasn’t hot she was beautiful.

I stared, unable to collect my thoughts. I wanted to speak but for some time no words would come forth. I was speechless, desperate to express some thought.

Finally I was able to produce some voice in a befuddled confusion.

“Hi,” was all that came out.

Slowly she turned her head with great elegance. She smiled softly and her eyes sparkled.
“Hey,” she replied.

I lost track of my thought for a moment before realizing she was waiting for me to continue. I had attempted to romance hundreds of girls but now this one had me. I had no idea why.

“How’s it going?” I continued in the only way I could think of at that moment. If I had thought straight I probably would have said something much different.

“Well, thank you,” she replied.

The smile never left. It was intoxicating as were her eyes.

I did what I could to continue the conversation. At first I found it slightly awkward. She seemed fine so I deemed that it was just me. I loosened up and allowed my mind to speak freely.

We talked for hours as we looked out into the stars. Before I really knew what was happening we were conversing on topics of life and love, including how to raise a family and how many kids. I didn’t understand it but I didn’t mind. Really, I enjoyed it. I was connecting to this girl like I never had any other. We were similar on every important aspect of life.

As time went on we lay down and stared at the stars. For the first time in a long time I didn’t feel alone among company. I had only just met her but it seemed that I had known her for years. It was as if all these memories that we had shared flooded back into my mind that I didn’t remember before she had arrived.

The sun rose behind the mountains. As light brought life to the world I noticed for the first time the light blue dress she was wearing the flowed down to her knees. A matching colored ribbon twined around her waist to form a small bow in the back. Small white frills found their way as trim around the arms, neck, and bottom and of the dress.

I admired her not only for her outward beauty but for everything she had inside as well. She was the type of person I had been searching for and I hadn’t showed up in a nightclub or bar. She had appeared in my time of escape.

As the sun peered over the mountains we embraced. I didn’t want to let ago as the warmth of her body pressed against mine. The soft touch of her skin brought comfort and filled part of my longing. I caressed her hair as she leaned her head against my shoulder. The sun appeared midway into the sky and we let go of each other.

She began to walk away.

“Wait!” I shouted.

She paused and looked back at me, a golden gleam now in her eyes.

“What’s your name?”

“I don’t have one,” she replied, her loving smile still on her lips.

“But how will I find you again?” I pleaded, desperate not to lose her.

“You will find me if you need me again.”

She walked away, disappearing into the sunrise shadows. I greatly desired to go after her but I couldn’t force my body to follow.

I wanted to feel despair and grief but instead I felt hope and life. There was something about that encounter with her that rekindled my spirits. I knew that she was the type of girl I was looking for. Maybe I wouldn’t be with her, maybe someone else, but I was enlightened.
The girl with no name helped me see.

Winter Majesty

The night time gaze of dark dreams
Wanders down the lonely allies.
White covered pavement screams
As feet pound the concrete beams.

The world is soft and silent
As the dark fills the void.
Traffic dims to a dying hum.
Lamp light glistens in broken beams.

The snow drops fall steadily, even,
And the ground fills slowly, white breathing.
There is a magic cold to breathtaking beauty,
And the white is such only in His glory.