30 Before 30: Day 19 - First Relationships

Well, this post will not have any pictures for a couple reasons. First, because it would take up to much work to find anything related to it and secondly because it doesn't make sense to be posting pictures of my first ex on a public blog.

But here's the main point of this post: you can learn a lot from a first relationship. Especially if you really didn't understand relationships in the first place.

See, the thing is, with the way I viewed relationships in my early 20's, I saw it as the end all be all and if you couldn't find a girlfriend in college you were doing something wrong. I thought I needed somebody and I think I was a little bit desperate. I think I actually knew how to flirt but didn't know that I knew how.

And within 4 months of being away from home I was in a relationship with a girl that I was automatically bringing home to meet my family. You heard that right. After a month of dating she was going to meet my family.

I would still say the first 6 months were quite nice. I believe some people call that the "puppy dog" phase. But after that, we started telling each other our secrets and that's when all the problems arose. See, when the problems arise a balance must be struck so the relationship can be healthy.

This relationship never got healthy.

It kept getting worse. I started going to counseling for some things I was dealing with. She refused to believe there was anything for her to work on. No matter how much I loved her (and I did) there was literally nothing I could do that would have fixed things except do everything she wanted. By the time that relationship ended, I had lost almost all of my friends. I ended up with a whole different friend group.

When it ended, it turned out most of my friends didn't like her, never really had. Really looking back, she was a bit bossy, controlling, and very jealous. Truthfully the life I was pursuing never would have worked out had I stayed in that relationship.

But those 2 years were very important to my life. I started to realize I didn't need someone to complete me. I learned a LOT about women I didn't understand before. I learned more how to love on a truly deep and human level. I learned a hell of lot about how operate in a romantic relationship. And in those 2 years I learned way more about what it would be like to be married than I anticipated.

At one point a college pastor of mine told me that I'd "learned more in 2 years than a lot of people learn in 7 years of marriage."

That alone says a lot about that relationship. There were multiple times she stayed for long periods down in Kansas with me at my parents house. She even got a job down there one summer. I think a lot of my blind love caused a lot of people frustration. But hindsight is 20/20.

Then one day, after many events in our lives, we decided to needed to take a little time apart. So we did. And then my eyes opened and I realized how much I hated my life. So 2 weeks later I ended it and suffered through an hour of her pleading me not to do it.

And then she went spreading rumors that I had "used and abused it." No one believed her except her closest friends. A month later she was dating another guy that she's now married to.

And do you know what happened when they started dating? He wasn't able to hang out with most of the friends he had previously.

Perhaps the fact that our song had become "Last Christmas" might have clued me into something early on. Foreshadowing?

30 Before 30: Day 13 - Student Loan Debt

Student loan debt has become a new epidemic in our country. These days it's nearly impossible to obtain a degree (other than an Associate's) without incurring some kind of debt unless you go to school many years after having saved, have a saving fund from your parents, or your parents are rich. And, of course, these days apparently many jobs have decided that you shouldn't only need a Bachelor's degree but a Master's degree, which is even more expensive.  Even now the public colleges are difficult to walk away from debt free and of course it's basically impossible at a private college, especially if you're from a family that is right in the middle of "making too much money" and "making too little" because then, according to the government or something, the parents should be able to pay for college. Over the years colleges prices have been hiked up yearly. When I started at an out of state private institution in 2005, the annual tuition, including my room and board, was a little over $19,000 (still a lot) but by the time I was finishing in 2009 the tuition had gone up at least $4,000. That's at least $1,000 a year. If we're going back in time and minimizing that cost, even though wages were lower, the inflation of tuition cost still flew much farther than the inflation of income cost. Today, in 2016, students graduating from college are basically at a loss.

So here I am, in the same boat as many other students, after having graduated with a Bachelor's degree in Communication Arts that will never make any difference in the film industry. But I envy those people who say they only have $30,000 of debt or less. That's manageable.

To date, the last time I calculated over a year ago I have at least $150,000 in student loan debt.

You heard that right.

$150,000.

And do you know what the most money I've ever made in a year was, even while I was in the Army?
About $35,000.

If you do the math, unless I find some phenomenal paying job or break into the industry, not only will I never pay all that back, I'm basically guaranteed to go into default. Now, I'll be honest, I rarely talk

  about my student loan amounts to me. There are a number of reasons.

1. Sometimes it's embarrassing to admit it.
2. If I'm looking for a date it's definitely attractive.
3. I just don't know what to say because I don't know what to do in the first place.

But I think it's important for this crisis to be out in the open because I know I'm not alone in this and that's it's an epidemic that is also hurting our economy.

Why?

Because since students are graduating with student loan debt and unable to make enough money at the jobs they find, all they are doing is paying rent, for food, a phone, and student loans (most of which often goes to interest and therefore goes nowhere).

I ended up in the Army because of my debt. And it wasn't even because they would pay a lot of it back. In fact, when I enlisted, I didn't understand the repayment programs and therefore didn't have any of my debt paid back, which even though only would have taken care of my Federal loans, leaving about $125,000 left.

On the nice end of my service, I've been able to take use of the Post 9/11 GI Bill and go back to school and by the time I'm done I should have a Master's degree free of financial charge (it certainly was earned through my service). But that still doesn't alleviate the massive debt I've accumulated.

Now, I haven't calculated how much I've paid over time, though I know at this point it's a lot, but I left college with about $80,000 in student loan debt. That's nearly doubled and I've only paid off a couple loans, mainly because most of the companies I'm ending up paying interest only and the interest rates are nearly as bad as credit cards. On top of this, private loans have no real hardship relief, unlike federal loans.

I'm basically over time mentally preparing myself for going into default. Because unless something comes along, some miraculous break that pays well, I'm definitely going to default. Doesn't mean I'm not trying to pay the loans. Just means I don't have the money.

For all those out there sailing on the same Titanic ship with me, know you aren't alone. Don't let it bring you down. Keep moving. Drive on. We will find a way. And hopefully one of these days (hopefully soon) this crisis will be solved.

I know this was a long post but it's an important topic. One of these days I'll sure I'll have a film on the subject. But in the mean time, enjoy a few more political cartoons on the topic.

30 Before 30: Day 9 - Desperation Doesn't Work

In 2005 when I first arrived at college I was going through a multitude of new things. I had never lived away from home before, started from complete scratch, kissed a girl, had a girlfriend, figured out everything on my own, etc. And being a hopeless romantic and little bit out of touch with reality, I found that whenever I would see friends hooking up with other people early on I would be a bit jealous and envious because what they had I wanted. Granted, in talking to my roommate at that time,

he informed me that being in a relationship wasn't always what it looked like and that I should be patient. Of course, I wasn't exactly patient but looking back, the truth is that I was desperate to be in a relationship and to find a woman.

There were two major problems with how I felt at the time.

1. I was desperate and that's a key to disaster.

2. I didn't understand what a healthy relationship involved. And when that is not understood then a relationship can go south quickly.

In those years I was a hopeless romantic. I would still say I'm a romantic just not with the hopeless portion. I only spent about 2 or so months of the beginning of my time at college single and when a connection did form with the first girl I dated, I was still too scared to actually asked her out. Instead, we mutually agreed to date (after what looking back on it feel like some ridiculous hurdles).

But, alas, I found myself in what would be to date the longest relationship I've had that turned into a 6 month "puppy" phase and a year and a half of essentially marriage without being married. When it ended, after having had many discussions with a college pastor at the time about different things in that relationship he said to me, "You've learned in two years more than most people learn in seven years of marriage."

Yikes!

Well, at least I know I learned a lot from it. At least, I hope I learned a lot that I retained.

Since I don't have any readily available pictures from that relationship (rightfully so) I have instead provided what is perhaps the earliest picture taken from my time in college.

What I have learned, though, are a couple valuable lessons for my self over time when it comes to me and meeting women.

1. It's not just about physical appearance but even more so about their personality.
2. I can tell easier nowadays if there is a definite chemistry with someone (for the most part, sometimes I still fail).
3. Sometimes that person is the person you least expect.
4. Things often don't work out for one reason or another.
5. That person you connect with often appears at the most unexpected place or time and usually when you're not looking and especially when your not desperate.
6. Confidence in yourself really helps.

That's at least what I've found. Maybe it's not all exactly right but that's what I've found to be true.

Now, if you haven't heard it, go look up "Haven't Met You Yet" by Michael Buble.

I love that song.

And I think it applies.